How To Survive A Performance: A Tongue in Cheek Guide

Hello, it's Adventure Van with a blog about how to survive the unsurvivable, the Performance.

• Get 6 friends. Get them to sit around you. Make sure that you don't get shoved to the side and become a human shiel- nice person.
• If that doesn't work, and it won't, then prepare for the reason you began reading this guide: surviving.
•  First, bring earplugs. This works only if you are at a silent performance, a ballet, or something like that. This will buffer people talking about something entirely unrelated just loud enough for you to hear it but not loud enough to get people annoyed at them.
• Bring a pillow. This will absorb shock from the several little kids behind you who are having a kicking contest.
• Wear steel-toed boots. This will stop the coats, tablets, coats filled with rocks, knives, little kids, little kids with coats full of rocks holding tablets and knives, from hurting so much.
• Wear a face mask. This will stop camera flashes and flashlights from blinding you.
• Wear Pop-Eye like arms to stop people from stealing your armrests.

Congrats! Now you're 100% likely to survive everything except the little kid who's approaching behind you with a rock that you can't tell because you're so disconnected from reality. Why don't you stay home and look at videos of cute cats and dogs in bed? So much more comfy.